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Children need to be "seen", not "praised"!

Children need to be "seen", not "praised"!

  • Categories:Education method
  • Author:
  • Origin:
  • Time of issue:2019-06-01 16:13
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(Summary description)InChinesefamilies,controlcanbeseeneverywhere.Andappearinmanyforms,criticism,accusation,praise.Iamgoodforyou,youareallofmymother.........Thereisonlyonekindoftrust,Iamconcernedaboutwhatyoudo,andItrustyoutodoit.1.ChildrenwhoareoftenpraisedaremoreworriedaboutfailureStudieshavefoundthat“praising”childrenisnotalwaysgood.Someresearchershaveaskeddifferentchildrentosolvemathproblems.Aftersolvingasetofsimplequestions,theresearchersgaveeachpersonafeedback.Praisetheirintelligencetosomechildren:"Wow,youaretoosmart!"andtrustotherchildrentosaytheirefforts:"Youjustworkedveryhard."Then,theresearchersgavethechildrenamoredifficultsetofquestions..Childrenwhoarepraisedforbeingsmartwillbemoreworriedaboutfailure.Theytendtoaccomplishlessdifficulttasks.Itishardertopersistwhentheyencounterdifficulties.Theyareevenmoreanxiousandevenshowadeclineintheirlevelofself-esteem.Praisinghistalentswillactuallyhitself-esteem..Listeningtothisiscontrarytoourintuition.Butwhenyouthinkaboutit,itisinlinewithourexperience.Althoughpraiseiscomfortable,itisstillanevaluation.Ittakesthepersontotheveryhighpointandmakesthenextconclusion.This"conclusion"isterrible.Whenwearepraised,weareoftenafraidthatwewillnotbeworthyofthiskindofpraise,whichwillputalotofpressureonthis.Outofstress,wewillbemorewillingtorepeatthesamework:sinceIamdoingthisisgood,whyshouldIventuretotrymorepossibilities?Inmoreseriouscases,wesimplydonothing."Youallboastthatmyarticleiswellwritten,butIdon'tknowhowgooditis.IamafraidthatifIwriteitdown,Iwillshowit."Wegiveuptorespondtopraise.Ifyousaytoachild:"Wow,thispictureissobeautiful!"Orpraiseachildtowinthegame:"Youareasmallchessking!"Hewillbeveryhappy.Butlethimdrawapictureorthenextgame,hemaybeembarrassed.2,praiseismorecautiousthancriticismInlife,peoplealwayscan'thelpbutevaluate.Itseemsnoteasytospeakina"noevaluation"way.Theevaluationisclosetoadefinitiveexpression.Forit,youonlyacceptornotaccept,butitisdifficulttohavemorediscussionofextensibility.Ifitisarealisticexchange,itislikelytocauseacoldspot:Youhavealreadyreachedaconclusion,whatdowesay?Fromthisperspective,praiseiseveneasiertoendatopicthancriticism.Criticismcanalsorefute:YousaidthatIamnotgood,Idonotagree.Butwhataboutpraise?Therebuttalisnotappropriate,butthereisnoroomforfurtherdiscussion.Everyonetalkedwell,Isuddenlycameupwithasentence:"Ithinkeveryoneisverygood,verygood,verygood."Thiswillmaketheatmosphereofthescenecold.Tocontinuechatting,onlyignorethissentence.Learnhowtocommunicatewithout"evaluation".3Thenon-evaluatedcommunicationmethodfocusesonlyonwhatishappening,notonabstractjudgments,definitions,andembarrassment.Ateacherwhodoesnotevaluatewillaskthestudent:"Youoftendonotdohomeworkrecently,whathappened?"Anevaluativeteacherwouldsay,"Howoldhaveyoubeendoinghomeworkrecently?"Theformerisconcernedwiththedevelopmentofanevent,whilethelatterisonlyadmonishing.Inthislattercase,theteacherdidnotcareaboutthereason.Heonlycaresaboutthecharacterofthestudent,andhehasdoneit."Admitit!Youareapoorstudent."Itseemstobesuchasubtext.Cansmellaclearrejectionofthesmell.Ifyouarethischild,justbowyourheadandpleadguilty,anddon'tsayanything.Throughtheformerexpression,wewillbeclosertothetruthoftheevent.Maybethestudenthashadsometrouble,maybehehassomenewideasrecently,orheisusingthisbehaviortoconveyanattitude,orsomethingelse.Whenweadoptanon-evaluativeposition,itcreatesaspacefortheflowofthisinformation:"Let'ssay,letmeseeit,Iamcuriousaboutthesethingsyouhaveexperienced."Thisisatrust,youThereisnoneedtojustifyit.Justdescribeyourexperiencesimply.Thisiswhatwearepayingattentiontoatthemoment.3,thechildneedsonlytobeseenThroughcommunicationwithoutevaluation,wearedoingonething:describingtheexperienceitself.Thedescriptionofexperienceseemstobethesimplest,butoftenthemostpowerful.Cognitionandmutualrecognitionofthingsarefarmoreimportantthanthe“praise”givenbythethoughts.Saidtothechildwhopainted:"Thisisthemountainyoupainted,thisistheriver,ah,thereisaboatintheriver.Isthispersonfishingontheboat?Ha,youalsopaintedahatforhim!Well,youarehere.Ipaintedasunandpaintedamoonhere.Isitdayornight?"-Youarepayingattentiontothespecificprocess.Thereisnothingwrongwiththesewords,buttheywillfeelthattheyhavebeenseen.Theywillbehappytodiscusswithyouandwillbemoreinterestedincontinuing.

Children need to be "seen", not "praised"!

(Summary description)InChinesefamilies,controlcanbeseeneverywhere.Andappearinmanyforms,criticism,accusation,praise.Iamgoodforyou,youareallofmymother.........Thereisonlyonekindoftrust,Iamconcernedaboutwhatyoudo,andItrustyoutodoit.1.ChildrenwhoareoftenpraisedaremoreworriedaboutfailureStudieshavefoundthat“praising”childrenisnotalwaysgood.Someresearchershaveaskeddifferentchildrentosolvemathproblems.Aftersolvingasetofsimplequestions,theresearchersgaveeachpersonafeedback.Praisetheirintelligencetosomechildren:"Wow,youaretoosmart!"andtrustotherchildrentosaytheirefforts:"Youjustworkedveryhard."Then,theresearchersgavethechildrenamoredifficultsetofquestions..Childrenwhoarepraisedforbeingsmartwillbemoreworriedaboutfailure.Theytendtoaccomplishlessdifficulttasks.Itishardertopersistwhentheyencounterdifficulties.Theyareevenmoreanxiousandevenshowadeclineintheirlevelofself-esteem.Praisinghistalentswillactuallyhitself-esteem..Listeningtothisiscontrarytoourintuition.Butwhenyouthinkaboutit,itisinlinewithourexperience.Althoughpraiseiscomfortable,itisstillanevaluation.Ittakesthepersontotheveryhighpointandmakesthenextconclusion.This"conclusion"isterrible.Whenwearepraised,weareoftenafraidthatwewillnotbeworthyofthiskindofpraise,whichwillputalotofpressureonthis.Outofstress,wewillbemorewillingtorepeatthesamework:sinceIamdoingthisisgood,whyshouldIventuretotrymorepossibilities?Inmoreseriouscases,wesimplydonothing."Youallboastthatmyarticleiswellwritten,butIdon'tknowhowgooditis.IamafraidthatifIwriteitdown,Iwillshowit."Wegiveuptorespondtopraise.Ifyousaytoachild:"Wow,thispictureissobeautiful!"Orpraiseachildtowinthegame:"Youareasmallchessking!"Hewillbeveryhappy.Butlethimdrawapictureorthenextgame,hemaybeembarrassed.2,praiseismorecautiousthancriticismInlife,peoplealwayscan'thelpbutevaluate.Itseemsnoteasytospeakina"noevaluation"way.Theevaluationisclosetoadefinitiveexpression.Forit,youonlyacceptornotaccept,butitisdifficulttohavemorediscussionofextensibility.Ifitisarealisticexchange,itislikelytocauseacoldspot:Youhavealreadyreachedaconclusion,whatdowesay?Fromthisperspective,praiseiseveneasiertoendatopicthancriticism.Criticismcanalsorefute:YousaidthatIamnotgood,Idonotagree.Butwhataboutpraise?Therebuttalisnotappropriate,butthereisnoroomforfurtherdiscussion.Everyonetalkedwell,Isuddenlycameupwithasentence:"Ithinkeveryoneisverygood,verygood,verygood."Thiswillmaketheatmosphereofthescenecold.Tocontinuechatting,onlyignorethissentence.Learnhowtocommunicatewithout"evaluation".3Thenon-evaluatedcommunicationmethodfocusesonlyonwhatishappening,notonabstractjudgments,definitions,andembarrassment.Ateacherwhodoesnotevaluatewillaskthestudent:"Youoftendonotdohomeworkrecently,whathappened?"Anevaluativeteacherwouldsay,"Howoldhaveyoubeendoinghomeworkrecently?"Theformerisconcernedwiththedevelopmentofanevent,whilethelatterisonlyadmonishing.Inthislattercase,theteacherdidnotcareaboutthereason.Heonlycaresaboutthecharacterofthestudent,andhehasdoneit."Admitit!Youareapoorstudent."Itseemstobesuchasubtext.Cansmellaclearrejectionofthesmell.Ifyouarethischild,justbowyourheadandpleadguilty,anddon'tsayanything.Throughtheformerexpression,wewillbeclosertothetruthoftheevent.Maybethestudenthashadsometrouble,maybehehassomenewideasrecently,orheisusingthisbehaviortoconveyanattitude,orsomethingelse.Whenweadoptanon-evaluativeposition,itcreatesaspacefortheflowofthisinformation:"Let'ssay,letmeseeit,Iamcuriousaboutthesethingsyouhaveexperienced."Thisisatrust,youThereisnoneedtojustifyit.Justdescribeyourexperiencesimply.Thisiswhatwearepayingattentiontoatthemoment.3,thechildneedsonlytobeseenThroughcommunicationwithoutevaluation,wearedoingonething:describingtheexperienceitself.Thedescriptionofexperienceseemstobethesimplest,butoftenthemostpowerful.Cognitionandmutualrecognitionofthingsarefarmoreimportantthanthe“praise”givenbythethoughts.Saidtothechildwhopainted:"Thisisthemountainyoupainted,thisistheriver,ah,thereisaboatintheriver.Isthispersonfishingontheboat?Ha,youalsopaintedahatforhim!Well,youarehere.Ipaintedasunandpaintedamoonhere.Isitdayornight?"-Youarepayingattentiontothespecificprocess.Thereisnothingwrongwiththesewords,buttheywillfeelthattheyhavebeenseen.Theywillbehappytodiscusswithyouandwillbemoreinterestedincontinuing.

  • Categories:Education method
  • Author:
  • Origin:
  • Time of issue:2019-06-01 16:13
  • Views:
Information
In Chinese families, control can be seen everywhere.
And appear in many forms, criticism, accusation, praise.
I am good for you, you are all of my mother.........
There is only one kind of trust, I am concerned about what you do, and I trust you to do it.
1. Children who are often praised are more worried about failure
Studies have found that “praising” children is not always good. Some researchers have asked different children to solve math problems. After solving a set of simple questions, the researchers gave each person a feedback. Praise their intelligence to some children: "Wow, you are too smart!" and trust other children to say their efforts: "You just worked very hard." Then, the researchers gave the children a more difficult set of questions. .
Children who are praised for being smart will be more worried about failure. They tend to accomplish less difficult tasks. It is harder to persist when they encounter difficulties. They are even more anxious and even show a decline in their level of self-esteem. Praising his talents will actually hit self-esteem. .
Listening to this is contrary to our intuition. But when you think about it, it is in line with our experience.
Although praise is comfortable, it is still an evaluation. It takes the person to the very high point and makes the next conclusion. This "conclusion" is terrible. When we are praised, we are often afraid that we will not be worthy of this kind of praise, which will put a lot of pressure on this. Out of stress, we will be more willing to repeat the same work: since I am doing this is good, why should I venture to try more possibilities?
In more serious cases, we simply do nothing. "You all boast that my article is well written, but I don't know how good it is. I am afraid that if I write it down, I will show it." We give up to respond to praise.
If you say to a child: "Wow, this picture is so beautiful!" Or praise a child to win the game: "You are a small chess king!" He will be very happy. But let him draw a picture or the next game, he may be embarrassed.
2, praise is more cautious than criticism
In life, people always can't help but evaluate. It seems not easy to speak in a "no evaluation" way.
The evaluation is close to a definitive expression. For it, you only accept or not accept, but it is difficult to have more discussion of extensibility. If it is a realistic exchange, it is likely to cause a cold spot: You have already reached a conclusion, what do we say?
From this perspective, praise is even easier to end a topic than criticism.
Criticism can also refute: You said that I am not good, I do not agree. But what about praise? The rebuttal is not appropriate, but there is no room for further discussion. Everyone talked well, I suddenly came up with a sentence: "I think everyone is very good, very good, very good." This will make the atmosphere of the scene cold. To continue chatting, only ignore this sentence.
Learn how to communicate without "evaluation". 3 The non-evaluated communication method focuses only on what is happening, not on abstract judgments, definitions, and embarrassment.
A teacher who does not evaluate will ask the student: "You often do not do homework recently, what happened?"
An evaluative teacher would say, "How old have you been doing homework recently?"
The former is concerned with the development of an event, while the latter is only admonishing.
In this latter case, the teacher did not care about the reason. He only cares about the character of the student, and he has done it. "Admit it! You are a poor student." It seems to be such a subtext. Can smell a clear rejection of the smell. If you are this child, just bow your head and plead guilty, and don't say anything.
Through the former expression, we will be closer to the truth of the event. Maybe the student has had some trouble, maybe he has some new ideas recently, or he is using this behavior to convey an attitude, or something else.
When we adopt a non-evaluative position, it creates a space for the flow of this information: "Let's say, let me see it, I am curious about these things you have experienced." This is a trust, you There is no need to justify it. Just describe your experience simply. This is what we are paying attention to at the moment.
3, the child needs only to be seen
Through communication without evaluation, we are doing one thing: describing the experience itself. The description of experience seems to be the simplest, but often the most powerful. Cognition and mutual recognition of things are far more important than the “praise” given by the thoughts.
Said to the child who painted: "This is the mountain you painted, this is the river, ah, there is a boat in the river. Is this person fishing on the boat? Ha, you also painted a hat for him! Well, you are here. I painted a sun and painted a moon here. Is it day or night?"
- You are paying attention to the specific process. There is nothing wrong with these words, but they will feel that they have been seen. They will be happy to discuss with you and will be more interested in continuing.

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